Kean’s an IRONMAN!
by Brett Mowry, Chicago Tri Club Member 

If you ever feel like you are getting too geeked up about triathlons, here is a story that will make you feel a little bit better…..

May 2002 was the time - heading to Galena in a Chevy Blazer packed to the top with no radio for our first ever triathlon was the setting - Brett, Kean (pronounced Ken) and Cheri the characters…

Some Background:

Back in January, Kean and Brett signed up for Galena and were very excited. Cheri was anticipating doing her first tri at Mrs. T’s so she was geeked as well. Over the months between signing up and the race, we started hanging out with tri people and found out all the cool gadgets that tri-athletes could buy (damn corporate marketing!). Well, Kean fell in love…. in love with the Endless Pool. He even called up the Endless Pool company for the video. (When he called, there did seem to be some confusion on the other end when he told them to send it to his address at apartment #3D…”Apartment?” was the reply).

So, anyway, it had become kind of a joke about how Kean wanted an indoor pool in his apartment. Then, it happened -- after a cold, windy, rainy, miserable Sunday morning Barrington ride, sitting in a Panera in the suburbs… The concept on an Indoor Ironman… Kean’s Indoor Ironman (I mean Iron Distance… don’t want to infringe trademarks). Yes, the realization came that with the endless pool, Computrainer and treadmill, one could do an Ironman in an apartment.

OK, so back to the story. We are all stuck in Brett’s Blazer which had its radio stolen for the second of three times in a year (yes, Brett is finally learning to take the face plate off). So without any music to entertain us, we had to come up with something to entertain. It gets a little fuzzy how it all started, but next thing we knew we were creating the song “Kean’s Indoor Ironman” which would be sung to Gilligan’s Island Theme (another trademark infringement!). We were so involved in creating this song that we missed our exit and ended up in Wisconsin (upon which we impressed a rest stop employee when we mentioned we were lost because we were writing a song).

So, without further ado, here is the song:

Kean’s Indoor Ironman (sung to the Gilligan’s Island Theme)
*** Disclaimer: Kean isn’t really an Ironman (yet)

Just sit right back and I'll tell you a tale
A tale of a guy named Kean
Who swam and biked and ran a lot
And even practiced Zen
(and even practiced Zen) Kean is actually really into Zen!

He trained and trained and set his sight
On an Ironman two years hence,
He bought some stuff to help him out
Because it just made sense
(because it just made sense)

The "endless pool" in his living room,
CompuTrainer, treadmill too,
He swam for miles then biked and ran...
Downed BalanceBars and GU
(Downed BalanceBars and GU)

So, but two short years later
Kean and his Zen were set
Kean’s Indoor Ironman would be
In his 1 Bedroom apartment
(In his 1 Bedroom apartment)

Now you may ask how can this be?
An Indoor Ironman?
With modern technology
It was easy to plan
(easy to plan)

Transition setup took quite long
Early in the morn
Kean obsessed so much he nearly missed
The starter’s loud bullhorn
(The starter’s loud bullhorn)

Kean started in the endless pool
2.4 miles to swim
Halfway through… “Oh no, A Shark:!”
Kean almost lost a limb
(Kean almost lost a limb)

Next was the Computrainer
He chose Alps as the course
But he was no Lance Armstrong
Much to his remorse
(Much to his remorse)

Finally was the treadmill
Kean just ran and ran
At mile 18 he nearly bonked, but no (pause)
Kean’s an IRONMAN!
(Kean’s an IRONMAN!)

Now, if you find this tempting...An Indoor Ironman
Lay out the cash and start to train
And follow Kean’s Iron plan
(Follow Kean’s Iron Plan)

KEAN’S AN IRONMAN!!!! YEAH!!

We are thinking of putting out a video at some point.  We want to have the race official be a plumber who is sitting on the couch having a beer and watching football. Please send acting resumes to keanchew@aol.com. We’d also need to borrow someone’s endless pool (which can double as a bed in the video with Kean on a raft)… anyone willing?