A First Experience or “Learning Curve”
by Alix Weisfeld, Chicago Tri Club Member 

Perhaps some of you are under the mistaken conclusion that I am under-qualified to write a column about triathlons because I have never actually participated in a USAT-sponsored event. I do not share this opinion. After all, I did compete in an indoor triathlon in November.

Based on an E-Alert from the Chicago Triathlon Club, I signed up for the November 10 indoor triathlon at Palos Health and Fitness Center about a week before the event (15-minute swim, 20-minute stationary bike, 15-minute run). Due to my late sign-up, I did not have much time to change my workout routine or anything. What I did have time for was a very serious pre-tri fashion moment, in which I formally selected my blue bathing suit because it best matched my blue goggles.

Palos Health and Fitness Center is way out in Orland Park, a big trek for a Sunday morning at 8 a.m. Walking into the brand new facility, I was immediately struck by the difference between this health club and the Landmark Century Bally’s (Clark and Division), my usual stomping ground. At the sprawling Palos gym oasis (online research reveals that it cost between $16 and $25 million to build, but this information comes from a competitor’s website, so I cannot vouch for its accuracy), there were about 15 feet between machines so the whole place didn’t smell like other people’s sweat, and each machine had its own computer. The locker room had Palos Health and Fitness Center towels, Palos Health and Fitness Center talcum powder, and Palos Health and Fitness Center eyelash curlers-- enough to make even the most staunch city dweller consider a move to the suburbs.

My friend Magdalyn and I arrived obscenely early, so I took the extra time to sort of size up the competition. This did not take very long, since when I checked in they told me I was the only person in my (female, under 30) age group. Actually, we sat on our Palos Health and Fitness Center towels and tried to touch our toes until it was time for us to warm up. When the heat before us started, Magdalyn and I hopped into the side pool and loosened up.

A little more stretching and praying, and it was our turn. We had an in-water start and began the swim. I tried to minimize my kicking so my legs would not be as tired later. I had a great swim and then headed for the locker room for our first transition. We had five minutes, but because I had carefully arranged my clothes in the most-efficient order (sports bra on top of shirt on top of underwear on top of shorts on top of socks on top of shoes) I was trotting over to the stationary bikes well within the time limit.

I got on the bike and, without much effort, started covering a lot of (virtual) distance. Really, it was incredible. I gloated as poor Magdalyn failed to keep up. Maybe I really was made for triathlons, I thought. I don’t think anyone has ever gone this fast before! This is like that moment in Enough when Jennifer Lopez starts kicking butt! Does she really hire someone full time just to paint her toenails? About 18 minutes in, I realized that my bike display screen was showing the distance in kilometers, not miles. This was, needless to say, a major setback.

The final event, of course, was the 15-minute run. The club had a raised track, so I took the elevator to the second floor. If you can’t be brawny, you might as well be clever.*

Against all reason, I am always sure that when I start running after being on the bike, my legs feel like lead not because they are tired but because they are not yet warmed up. This day was no exception. I sort of raced around for as long as I could to try to get myself going, and then realized I still had 5 minutes left and my body was done. I slowed until I was going about the speed of a seventh grader doing a mandatory fitness test in gym class, the main difference being that I was not talking to a legion of other girls about HotOrNot.com.

After it was over, I enjoyed a leg massage and five bananas. When it came time to announce the winners, it turned out Magdalyn won for my—our!—age group. Now (and I’m sorry to say this publicly, Magdalyn, but this is how it is), there is no getting around the fact that Mags does not belong in the “under 30” age group. Unbeknownst to me, they changed the age category to “30 and under” to make it more competitive. All that pedaling to catch up to my misleadingly superior distance, and Magdalyn had totally outdone me. What gives? She’s lucky she got a ride home.

I broadcast my second-place finish to family and friends, but declined to mention that I had somehow finished second in a competitor pool of one. It is harder to be a bigger loser than that. Happily, Magdalyn and I are going head-to-head again at the April 5 Indoor Tri. All I have to say is: This time, only four post-race bananas.

* A slight revision to a line in David Sedaris’ Me Talk Pretty One Day.