The Newbie Diaries, Part VII
April 22, 2003

The most recent edition of Inside Triathlon arrived at my door last week, and with it an article about the modern pentathlon. The modern pentathlon, so far as I can tell, has almost nothing in common with its ancient ancestor, the pentathlon. In ancient Greece, pentathletes competed in discus, javelin, the long-jump, wrestling, and sprinting. Now, the pentathlon includes a 200-meter swim, fencing, pistol marksmanship, horseback jumping, and a 3k run. It seems to me all these two sporting events have in common is the “five” part.

A detailed comparison of the components included in the modern pentathlon (hereafter, mopenta) reveals that it is a breeze compared to the (modern) triathlon. Inside Triathlon didn’t want to come out and say that, though. They tried to build it up, even billing the mopenta’s 3 km run as a “cross country” run. Then there is the issue of lag time between events. No three-minute transitions there, I don’t think. They probably have to give you 45 minutes before the horse jumping or you would never have time to get your hair into two French braids tied with a red ribbon to match your hunting jacket.

Naturally, it took about 45 seconds for me to start thinking about abandoning the triathlon and switching over to the pentathlon. I mean, a 3 km run? It takes me about 3 km just to get to where I start counting the miles when I trot along the lakefront path. And horseback riding? I used to do that as a kid! I probably still have some awards around somewhere that I won at a horseback competition in 1985, still smelling like stable. Also, I even know how to do my own French braids on the off chance they don’t allow personal stylists in the athletes’ areas.

On the down side, I don’t have much experience with guns. What I do have, however, is some positive comparative data about my ability to aim a weapon. For one miserable summer I was a counselor at a day camp where (I kid you not) it was part of my job every week to teach archery to first grade girls. Now, I don’t want to brag here, but my arrows were CONSISTENTLY closer to the target than theirs, so I think I might have some latent talent in this area. Okay, so the target was only five feet away from the Launch Line. And they were Nerf arrows. But, still, no arrow of mine ever ended up on the put-put golf course.

My fantasizing about leaving the triathlon behind for the mopenta was interrupted, however, by an honest and appraising look at my apartment, which is roughly the same size as a Lincoln Navigator, only without the TV. And I realized that, while having my bike practically leaning on the kitchen table is unattractive, having a horse grazing off of it would be worse. Also, I think my leasing company (the lessor) has a “no pets that are too big for us to cart off in a pillowcase, if it comes to that”-type rule and I (the lessee) just renewed my lease (the lease).

So much for jumping ship, it looks like I am in for the long haul. Well, at least this first season. Besides, I would probably have to store my fencing foils in the shower, perhaps prohibitively increasing the risk of injury to all players of Shower Twister at my house. And no sport, even the mopenta, is worth that.

Alix Weisfeld is a world-renowned triathlete who has won Ironmans on three continents-- no, wait, that is someone else's life.  She
enjoys baking, talking to her grandmother, and Latin declensions.  You can contact her at alix@triathlete.com.  No cranks, please.