The Newbie Diaries, Part IX
May 15, 2003

You had such great little posture when you were a ballet girl

That, dear readers, was an actual line I received in an email today from my mother. And I want to thank the Chicago Triathlon Club for giving me the opportunity to remind her of those long-gone days when I used to wear jump around in a Capezio copan blue leotard with my Kids Hanes underwear sagging three inches below the leotard line. Everything is different now, but Mama, I want you to know that some things remain the same. Even as I write this, my underwear is still showing, although these days it is because the waistline of my pants is so low. And I want to put this information online for you, Ma, as a special Mother’s Day Treat.

Perhaps you are wondering how exactly it is that my days at the Princeton Ballet School are related to anything even remotely triathlon-esque. So am I! No! Ha ha! Any fool could see there is a very clear connection, and it has to do with last week’s meeting on Heart Rate Monitors. Apparently, heart rate monitors are very important because someone wrote a whole book about them. And this person’s name is Sally Edwards, which also happened to be the name of my ballet teacher back in the day when I was a (and here I quote) “ballet girl.”

So, while everyone else in the room was picturing a hardcore triathlete in high-tech fabrics straining against the confines of her physicality for better and longer-lasting performance with New Great Taste!, I was picturing sweet Sally Edwards in her pink gauze skirt leading thirty 6-year-old girls on Jungle Walks with Pointed Toes and clearing up important unknowns like whether we should be hanging upside down from the barre before class and which side of the leotard was the front. In addition to many other life lessons for which I am eternally grateful.

Anyway, at last week’s meeting, Kevin did a good job presenting a lot of extremely complicated material, but the whole thing is very easy if you just remember the rule of five (5): It is almost never 1 or 5, but somewhere in the middle. Let’s try 2. Oh, wait, that was my SAT strategy.

According to the Sally Edwards who is not (so far as we know) a ballerina, there are five (5) training zones:
1. Healthy Zone
2. Temperate Zone
3. Aerobic Zone
4. Threshold Zone
5. Redline Zone

There are also five (5) training phases:
1. Recovery/Base
2. Endurance/Base
3. Strength/Wearing hula skirt to office party
4. Speed/Wearing hula skirt to office party and making jokes about getting lei’d
5. Peak power/Wearing hula skirt to office party only to find boss already there wearing same skirt/Lose a turn and go back two spaces

And then (this is amazing stuff) there are five (5) classes of heart rate monitors:
1. Heart rate display only
2. Heart rate and target zone
3. Heart rate, target zone, and calorie counter
4. Heart rate, target zone, calorie counter, and memory
5. GPS system with map showing nearest public restroom with toilet seat covers and antibacterial soap. Also, a “You only have to hold it for ___ more seconds” countdown display, with graphics.

I think you know where I am going with this: How can we use this Tri triple-quintuple system to coordinate things so that the Bills win the Superbowl?

The thing is, once that “When a butterfly flaps its wings…” message got into our consciousness, we started thinking we could control everything. I am just not into all of this training by percentages stuff. Biking and running do not come easily to me, and I am just pleased when I get out there at all.

My Sally Edwards ballet teacher was pretty laid back about bathroom accidents and other little foul-ups, and no matter what, everyone got to wear pink tights and watch herself twirl in front of a floor-to-ceiling mirror. Maybe that is what makes training by the numbers seem so foreign and unpleasant now.

Ha! Lest I get overly sentimental, I will have you know I have already spent several sleepless minutes wondering what I can do to help the Bills’ chances this year, and I hope you will, too.

This is Little Ballet Girl ready for five (5) pre-workout baby organic carrots, to be immediately followed by a solid hour of running at Training Zone 3 in Training Phase 2 with a Heart Rate Monitor of Class 0, saying good night.

Good night.

Alix Weisfeld is a world-renowned triathlete who has won Ironmans on three continents--no, wait, that is someone else's life.  She
enjoys baking, talking to her grandmother, and Latin declensions.  You can contact her at alix@triathlete.com.  No cranks, please.